


For Realz With a Z

by mayawolfy



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, Episode: s03e01 New Captain, F/F, F/M, Fake Dating, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Get together fic, Jamy, Light Angst, Peraltiago, barely any dianetti tbh but it's there, dianetti, hitchcock and scully are so nonexistent i'm sorry, it's my first fic so enjoy!, it's pretty much exactly what you expect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-09 17:44:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19480873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayawolfy/pseuds/mayawolfy
Summary: All bets were off the moment Amy asked "So a lot of change around here, huh?" But what if that conversation never happened? Jake and Amy cope with the aftermath of the Augustine case, smooch-gate, and their unresolved feelings under the leadership of Dozerman (who doesn't die this time), and things get weirder when Amy suggests they utilize a loophole in her "no dating cops" rule. Some angst (duh) and the ending we all expect (duh) but it's cute. And there's like, atinybit of Dianetti, you could easily ignore it if you don't ship them, but it's there if you like it.





	For Realz With a Z

“Hey, Peralta, could you come here for a minute?"

The question didn’t make it through to the detective, whose mind was running on overdrive trying to process everything that was happening. Jake thought that last night, when he and Amy kissed - twice! -, was earth-shattering enough, especially when he had to reconcile that with their conversation later in the evening, where Amy told him that she didn’t want things to change between them. Trying to keep his mind from exploding, he’d shown up to work the following morning, greeted by Holt telling the squad he was being forced out of the Nine-Nine. Peralta didn’t know how to react to any of it except with confusion, and for once he was too preoccupied with his feelings to focus on police work.

“Jake!” Terry said a bit louder.

Jake blinked. “Yeah, Sarge, what’s up?”

Terry motioned Jake over to his desk. “I was just checking out your report from the last case you worked; what’s this here about you and Amy… kissing?”

“Ohhh, yeah, that.” Jake squirmed to think of a reasonable explanation for their ingenious plan to catch the latest criminal. “See, we were tracking Augustine, and instead of making the drop right away, he went to dinner, so we followed him into the restaurant, but it was full, so the only way Detective Santiago and I could get a table was by pretending that we were a couple that just got engaged, then we got sat right next to Augustine, and we followed him, but he saw us, so-”

“-you couldn’t think of a better cover than making out with each other?”

“Well, yeah,” Jake concluded.

“Twice?”

“I mean, it worked once, and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, am I right?” Jake forced a laugh, garnering an annoyed look from the sarge.

“Peralta, I have plenty to say about this as your friend, but I got plenty to say as your boss, too! Heard of a little thing called HR? I’m gonna have a hell of a time explaining this one, on top of dealing with whatever new captain we get!”

Right on cue, the elevator dinged, and the doors slid apart to reveal a man in captain’s uniform.

Jake quietly stepped into the evidence lockup, hoping for a chance to think. As his eyes adjusted to the low lighting, he saw Santiago standing in the corner.

“Hey, Amy,” he addressed his partner.

“Oh, hey, Jake,” Amy said, startled. She quickly shoved the shame-cigarette she was just planning to light back into her pocket.

“So, Dozerman is… woof.” Jake couldn’t think of a better adjective to describe the man who had marched into their precinct, yelled at them, and then promptly almost died.

“I know, but he’s our captain now, and we have to respect him. Who knows if we’ll ever have Holt back here again?” Amy was trying to sound rational, but nerves seeped into her voice.

“Hey, don’t say that.” Jake saw the creases of worry on her face mirroring the ones he was trying to keep inside, and stifling his own unease sure felt a lot easier than stifling his urge to smooth out her wrinkled forehead and push the stray hairs back behind her ears. “I’m sure Wuntch will come to her senses and realize that the integrity of the NYPD is worth more than their stupid rivalry, or something.”

“Nice use of ‘integrity.’” Amy smiled. It was hard to believe how quickly the arrogant dummy she had known for years had grown up under the direction of Captain Holt, yet he still maintained that signature Peralta charm.

“Why, thank you.” He grinned back at her, holding back a comment about _“Are you aroused by how intelligent I am?”_ Their childish-teasing-turned-flirty-teasing basically ran on muscle memory, but he figured it would just make things awkward, given recent events.

“But, yeah, don’t worry about Holt. He’ll be fine. We do have another teensy weensy issue, though.”

“Oh no, it’s about yesterday, isn’t it?” Santiago was really itching for a smoke now.

“Woah, you weren’t even slightly put at ease by my use of ‘teensy weensy,’ huh?” Jake pouted. “Yeah, it’s about yesterday. Terry saw our report, and he’s kind of pissed about… uh, smooch-gate.”

“That’s the term we’re going with?”

“He just said he’s kind of annoyed because he might have to go through some stuff with HR, but I don’t think it’s really a big deal, that’s why I said teensy weensy!”

“Okay,” Amy sighed. “I feel bad though. I mean, what kind of plan was that anyway? What were we thinking?” Although she posed the question, Amy was doing all she could to suppress the thoughts that filled her brain during their so-called “smooch-gate.”

“Uh, I don’t know. But it’s cool. We’re cool. We got Augustine and the buyer, it’s over. Besides these freaky Dozer-pads, everything can go back to normal.” Normal. That’s what Amy wanted, Jake reminded himself.

“Great,” Amy said.

“Great,” Jake said.

“Get back to work,” both of their Dozer-pads said.

***

“A kiss is never just a kiss, Jake,” Charles crooned for what felt like the thousandth time in under twenty four hours.

“Charles, seriously, enough,” Jake replied, tired of repeating their conversation. “Look, for the sake of your argument, let’s say that I do like Amy and that she likes me.” Boyle’s face broke out into a look of pure joy, but Jake continued before he could have a chance to interject. “At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter, because Amy specifically said that she doesn’t want to date other cops, and that she doesn’t want things to change between us. So, especially if I like her, I need to be respectful and maintain our relationship as colleagues, that’s it.”

“But Jake,” Charles pleaded.

“No buts - title of your sex tape. We’re gonna be super awesome detective partners like usual. Anyway, I need to move on. Maybe I can see if Bernice is still single? She likes all the same stuff as me; we’re perfect for each other! Amy and I basically have nothing in common besides being cops! Yeah, Bernice makes way more sense.”

Jake said the words with enthusiasm, but they felt empty reverberating around in his head. Nothing against Bernice, she was totally Jake’s platonic _Die Hard_ and basketball loving soulmate. But Sophia already taught him that similarity isn’t what makes a relationship; ugh, he couldn’t believe he actually dated a defense attorney, but they had fun together, after all. Amy’s perfectionism and obsession with binders that he used to mock had become so endearing, even in their continued contrast to his own abysmal organizational skills. And yeah, things had been on-and-off flirty for at least a year and a half, but that wasn’t the same as actually making out with her twice on the same night! Maybe he’d imagined what it would be like, more than a couple times, but whatever he pictured paled in comparison to the actual sensation of her lips on his, even if it was way too rushed due to the nature of the situation. Now, he was totally smitten, and the thought of going out with another girl just felt wrong, as much as he tried to convince himself otherwise.

“So, Amy,” Rosa said as the girls drove down to their latest crime scene. “You know I don’t like to talk about that emotional crap, or any personal crap whatsoever,” she started.

Santiago sensed what was coming. “Well then don’t!” she blurted out.

“But,” Diaz went on as if her partner hadn’t said a thing, “we’re the sleuth sisters,” she gave an eyebrow raise at Amy, who she knew couldn’t resist when Rosa got on board with her ideas. “And I don’t like to see my sister upset, so let’s hear it.”

“Well, you were there last night, you know what went down with Jake and me. I just - I like him, but I want to be the youngest female captain in the NYPD’s history, so I can’t have distractions, especially cop-boy distractions. It’s best if I don’t get my personal life mixed up with work. God, why can’t I just be like you and have no feelings?!” As soon as she let the words out, Amy shot a worried look at her sleuth sister, scared that she just said something offensive, but Rosa was on her wavelength, as usual.

“You can,” Rosa said. She and Gina had been working on the grand master plan of getting Jake and Amy together for months, but she wasn’t gonna blow it like Charles by forcing anything. “Look, if you don’t wanna date cops, don’t, and now we’re done talking about it forever. Now let’s go check out this dead body! See, that’s how it’s done.” She flashed her rare smile at Amy, who reciprocated weakly.

***

After a week under Dozerman’s leadership, the Nine-Nine was truly functioning like normal, aside from the lack of pizazz associated with lack of Gina Linetti. To his Dozer-pad’s delight, Jake was powering through cases to keep busy and hopefully help honor his decision to get over Amy, for realz with a “z.” Unfortunately, the new captain wasn’t privy to their romantic entanglements, or lack thereof.

“Detective Peralta, my office, twenty two seconds,” Jake’s Dozer-pad bellowed. He heard Amy’s deliver her a similar message.

“Detectives, we have a new case, string of B and Es here.” Dozerman pointed to the map on his own Dozer-pad. “Peralta, you live in this neighborhood, and Santiago lives close by, so I thought you two would be best suited to work the case."

“Like… together?” Jake cast a side-eye at Amy.

“As in… Detective Santiago and Detective Peralta going to investigate the B and Es as partners?” Amy followed, her throat dry.

“Yes, clearly,” Dozerman made no attempt to mask his irritation. “I assume each of you has worked cases with someone else before? You’ve already wasted twenty five seconds of my time on this ridiculousness, and twenty five seconds of each of your own times as well, which is one minute and fifteen seconds of pure garbage! Get back to work.”

“Cool cool cool cool cool,” Jake said, turning on his heel. “After you, Detective.”

The ride to the first victim’s apartment felt as silent as the vacuum of space, Jake thought. Ugh, stupid Amy, teaching him nerd stuff about space, all he wanted to know was if your head would really explode if you took off your helmet, and he never even got a straight answer.

Jake pushed the space thoughts out of his mind, he had too much else to focus on. One, the case, obviously, and two, the beautiful girl riding in the passenger’s seat of his crappy, old sedan. Work was supposed to have him distracted from Santiago, not focused on her! Keeping things neutral was easy enough in a group setting, but being alone with Amy was definitely going to prove difficult. He still hadn’t figured out how to turn off his reflexive flirty teasing, after all, he was cute about everything.

At least he didn’t have to worry about Amy thinking the silence was awkward. Her brain was busy ping ponging between the case and the beautiful boy driving her in his crappy, old sedan. _“I am a professional,”_ she reminded herself, _“and I want to keep this case and all future cases professional. No romance with cops, only work.”_

From the victim’s perspective, it must have seemed like the detectives searching his house had just met. Besides pointing out pieces of evidence, few words passed between the two, and they left as stoically as they arrived. Gotta give it up, the kids were good actors.

***

A week more went by. After Rosa cornered Boyle and threatened unspecified harm against him if he didn’t stop pestering Jake about Amy, and with Jake suppressing all flirtation urges on his own, the Bullpen was strangely devoid of any non-shop-talk.

Keeping with the new normal, Jeffords summoned Peralta and Santiago to the briefing room.

“Tell me about this B and E case you’ve been working,” Terry instructed. “Just because Dozerman thinks briefings are a waste of time doesn’t mean he’s right.”

Jake and Amy pretended not to notice their superior officer criticizing _his_ superior officer.

“Well, sarge, we couldn’t find a clear connection between the burglaries besides the fact that they’re all in the same part of Brooklyn. One of Amy’s CIs says they know a guy who’s suddenly come up with a bunch of household items that he’s trying to sell, same type of stuff that’s been stolen. It’s our best lead, but we don’t have nearly enough evidence to arrest him.”

Amy picked up where Jake left off. “We’ve been trying to stake the guy out, see if he’s gonna hit another place, or at least get caught selling the items he already has, but no dice. For one, he cleans up his tracks, so if he is selling, he’s doing it covertly. And I guess he’s figured the heat is on him enough that he doesn’t want to risk striking again.”

Terry looked thoughtful. “That’s tough,” he said eventually. “If you can’t catch him selling to someone else, maybe you need to get him to sell to you.”

Jake’s eyes lit up. “Yes! Terry, this is why you’re a sergeant!”

“I know,” Terry said flatly.

“And you know what this means, Santiago! We’re goin’ undercover!”

Jake skipped out of the room, until he slowly realized that “undercover” had a new context these days. He whirled around to see Amy with a weird grimace on her face.

“I didn’t mean, like, last time, undercover,” he quickly clarified. “I just meant that I’m an actor, the world is my stage, and I love going undercover in general, regardless of the situation or who I’m partnered with!”

Amy’s face relaxed. “It’s okay, Jake, I get it. Don’t worry about it.”

“Good. Okay, let’s go catch a bad guy!” Jake practically sprinted across the room, only slowing down to wait for the elevator to arrive. “I’m driving! Last one to my car is a lame nerd!” Wow. Was his case finally heating up all it took to make him forget that he was _not_ supposed to be teasing Amy right now?

At least she didn’t seem too concerned. “I’m not racing you, Peralta,” she said, rolling her eyes, but quickening her pace anyway.

They drove to a dive bar that they’d seen their suspect, who their CI had only referred to as “couch dude,” hang out at twice while they’d been staking him out. Jake tried to keep quiet on the ride, worried about letting his flirty instincts slip again. Finally, Amy broke the silence with a conspicuous throat clearing.

“So, what’s your opinion on loopholes?” she asked, unsuccessfully trying to make it sound like the question just randomly popped into her head, like she hadn’t been working it over since before they left the precinct, like she didn’t know exactly what Jake’s opinion would be.

“Uh, what?” Jake laughed. He thought he was the king of weird questions, but okay, Ames, you win. “Um, I love loopholes. They’re great. Charles and I even have a loophole-five! Let me show you-”

“Eyes on the road!” Amy interjected. “And please, don’t. I’ve seen it before, everyone thinks it’s disgusting.”

“Aw, you’re no fun.” He was lying through his teeth; this goofy conversation was the most fun Jake had had in days. “But really, why are you asking?”

“I just want to know. Like, are loopholes good? Is it okay to use them?”

“I mean, it depends. I think, if there’s a good rule, and you use loopholes to get around it, that’s bad. But if there’s a bad rule, and you use loopholes to get around it, that’s good, right?”

“Right…” Amy agreed. Only, she couldn’t figure out if one particular rule was a good or bad one. Well, no use being coy any more. The only person she felt close enough to to ask was Jake, uncomfortable as it might be. “So, let’s say someone has a rule where they don’t want to have a romantic relationship with anyone working in the same professional field as them? Is that a good rule?”

“Well,” Jake’s eyes were dead set on the road now, and his grip on the steering wheel tightened, “I think that the person who has that rule probably had pretty good reasons for coming up with it, and probably thinks that nothing is made to be broken, especially rules, but, overall, the negatives of creating such a rule might outweigh the positives, in which case it would be a bad rule.” What was she getting at? He wanted to read her face for clues, but he was too nervous to look.

“So for this hypothetical rule, utilizing a loophole would hypothetically be good,” Amy resolved. “Great. On a completely unrelated note, I know you said this wouldn’t be like last time we went undercover, but I have an idea."

At approximately 1900 hours, Detectives Santiago and Peralta walked into a shady bar with their hands intertwined. _“Romance with a cop is bad, working with a cop is good,”_ Amy had rationalized. _“And working with a cop means going undercover, and being in a fake romance with a cop is a perfect cover because it’s so far from the truth of the complete absence of romance between the two cops.”_ Even she knew that her thoughts sounded ridiculous, but loopholes are loopholes, baby!

Jake was starting to wonder if he should have agreed to this. After their last undercover mission together, he knew he was capable of keeping his palms dry, at least, but he also knew that the feeling of her hand in his and the scent of her hair - maybe Boyle really was on to something about shampoo - and the warmth of her body so close to his were tantalizing and distracting as hell. God, what were they doing? They could screw up the case if they weren’t careful. Now that Amy had complimented him on “integrity,” the word was stuck in his brain; was he seriously compromising his integrity as a cop just so he could play “house” with his crush for half an hour? Wow, Amy was the one that pushed for this shoddy plan, and he was the one calling it into question. Jake had no time to dwell on that little role reversal though, because their suspect was presently sitting down at their table.

“Hey,” said a man who really didn’t look athletic enough to break into ten apartments and sneak out dozens of sofas and TV sets. "You guys must be, uh, Grant and Tillman?”

Jake smiled at the man. “That’s us!” Yeah, hand holding was fun, but being a cop was funner, and he wasn’t gonna let his nerves get in the way of his favorite part of the job. “I’m Joe, Tillman, and this is my lovely lady, Emily.” Emily sounded a lot more like Amy than Dora did. “We heard that you happened to come upon some nice upholstery, and we’d love to get a good deal on fixing up our new place, isn’t that right, Em?”

“Yup!” Amy looked at Jake the way she imagined a ditzy girl would look at her somewhat suspicious man, hoping he knew that it was a part of the act. But damn, was this the first time she had actually studied his face up close? Unlike their last operation, where she was busy _real_ close to his face, and with her eyes closed, now she actually had a second to search around. Her eyes trailed from his curly hair - a bit messy on the sides but somehow forming perfect ringlets at the top - to his mouth in that closed-lip smile - his toothy grins were sparse but so adorable whenever she was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of one - down to his unmistakable dimpled chin. She skipped over his eyes until she was sure he wasn’t looking at her; God, they were pretty, though. All the romanticization of blue seemed silly when compared to his brown eyes, but “chocolate” was a completely lackluster term to describe them. It wasn’t necessarily the color that Amy loved so much, although it was a nice color, but Jake’s eyes were ridiculously expressive, and she had quickly learned to read every emotion through them. Excited, exhausted, nervous, bored, focused, mischievous, occasionally serious, Amy could always tell how he felt without a word when she saw his eyes. Except when they deceived her, when she thought she saw a glint of something, like wanting, like hope, like desperation, and it was all too quickly replaced by one of his typical looks, usually one that signified he was about to tell a joke to relieve the tension. But whatever she saw - or thought she saw - in his eyes, they always felt safe, and warm, like home. What kind of word would you use to describe that?

“Ms Grant?” Their suspect repeated.

_“Who? Wait, I’m Ms Grant!”_ Crap, how long had she been staring at Jake’s face? _“Real professional, Santiago,”_ she cursed herself.

“Yes, sorry, what was that?” Amy turned to the man whose name she had clearly missed and decided to keep facing that way.

“ _Harry_ was just saying,” Jake emphasized, picking up on Amy’s zone-out, “that he has tons of items we can choose from.”

“Yeah,” Harry said. “Here, I’ll pull up some pictures for you.”

Amy gave Jake an animated “He’s handing us the evidence!” look. Sure enough, the photos of couches, tables, and electronics they saw matched the descriptions of items missing from four of the victims’ apartments.

“Man, these look great,” Jake said. “What do you think, babe? I like this grey sofa.”

“Mhm, me too!” Amy nodded. “And this cute little coffee table. I think we can just keep our old TV, though?”

“Okay with me. So, Harry, how much for the sofa and the coffee table?”

“Three hundred,” Harry replied.

“Aw, come on Harry,” Jake coaxed. “I know you didn’t pay a cent for ‘em. My boys told me you lifted them out of some apartments in Brooklyn.”

“Yeah, _nice_ apartments, that have nice stuff,” Harry countered. “And I run a solo operation. I had to pay for all the tools I use to get in and out, case the places to figure out when no one would be home, and do all the heavy lifting myself. That’s worth three hundred in my book.”

“Oh well, I suppose you’re right.” The corners of Jake’s lips pulled up and he released his hand from Amy’s. “Okay, let me get my wallet.” He reached to his side, knowing that their perp wouldn’t notice his partner doing the same.

In an instant, their guns were both drawn, badges both flashed. “NYPD, Harry White,” oh, so that was his last name, “you’re under arrest for breaking and entering, and burglary.” Jake winked and started reciting the Miranda rights.

“Damn it, you guys are cops? I knew something was up!” White sounded pissed, but evidently not amped up enough for a fight. He put his hands behind his back as Amy cuffed him.

Jake and Amy shed their temporary identities and walked Harry out to the car, ignoring the glares from the bar patrons surrounding them.

“So, that was pretty good, right?” Jake asked. He was filing paperwork across from Amy, and they had been working in silence, aside from the clicking of her pen and the crunching of his latest snack. It was a familiar, comfortable silence, not like the tense ones they’d shared in the past few weeks, but even so, Jake had no qualms about breaking it.

“Yeah, we got the bad guy,” Amy said casually.

“No, I mean our cover. I was worried we would mess it up, but it worked perfectly!”

“Oh, right. Well you make a very convincing skeevy boyfriend.”

“And you make a very convincing naive girlfriend,” he returned the silly compliment. “We are so good at being detectives, it’s crazy!”

Amy rolled her eyes at Jake’s self-flattery, but he didn’t notice.

“For real, Ames, we are." He shifted his tone away from playful. "We are really good partners, as cops. You were right, we don’t want to mess that up.”

Two years ago, Jacob Peralta never would have called Detective Santiago “Ames,” admitted that she was a good cop and that they worked well together, or admitted that she was right about anything. Amy would have rubbed it in his face, but something felt off. Why was she wishing he would tell her she was wrong, make some big gesture and confess his feelings, tell her that she was worth the risk with their jobs? No, she was right. Her future with the NYPD was too important. Maybe Jake didn’t see it for himself, but he had a promising future there, too. He could become a sergeant someday if he took things more seriously, maybe even higher. Amy wouldn’t let them compromise their potential over what probably wouldn’t amount to more than a two-month fling.

“Okay, good,” she finally replied evenly. “Well I’m glad we’re on the same page, then.”

Jake’s mouth twitched like it couldn’t decide if it wanted to smile or frown. “Yeah,” he sighed, “me too.”

***

Jake was worried. There was definitely a part of him that assumed Holt would be back as their captain by now, and he wasn’t. Everyone had to tiptoe around Dozerman to make sure he didn’t die pre-prematurely from a heart attack, which wasn’t exactly a morale-booster. And, he could be honest with himself on this, Jake missed his statue of a dad. Without one of his top father figures - the other being Terry - and without his childhood bestie, Gina, Jake was lonely. He couldn’t talk to Rosa about his feelings, she was too closed off, and Boyle was too the opposite, he couldn’t talk to him without hearing a rant about how he should go to Amy for comfort. Right, Amy. He had Santiago, but Jake was trying to keep her at colleague level to make it easier to get over her. And while he was still hung up, he didn’t have the heart to date around with anyone else. So, yeah, Jake was lonely.

Everyone could tell, but no one could do anything about it. Amy watched him sadly pick at his candy “breakfast burrito” from across her desk while she quietly fidgeted with her favorite pen, deep in thought. Their decreased volume of conversations was helping her clear up her feelings and stay focused on her job, but it sucked to see him like this, even as just a partner in the professional sense.

An idea started forming in her mind, maybe it wasn’t too radical of an idea, but it seemed like one to her. Sheesh, this might help, or it might hurt, but seeing him so depressed, she felt like she had no other choice than to offer.

“Peralta,” she started at a perfectly timed moment when their nosy coworkers were all out of the bullpen, “I’ve got this drug dealer I’ve been trying to catch, and I think his old prison buddy, Dave Wischman, might know where he’s hiding out. I found Dave online and asked him if he could hook me up with some coke. He wants to meet up, so I was gonna get drinks with him and see if he would spill anything, but the dude’s kind of a creep and I don’t really want to be there, under the influence, alone with him. Would you mind coming with me as a buffer?”

Jake was still staring at his burrito. “Uh, sure, but won’t he think it’s weird that you’re bringing some random dude along?”

“No, because I have a plan. I will be playing the super hardcore junkie, and you’re my new boy toy who’s super vanilla, and I want to introduce you to my world of drugs, starting off with some fresh powder.”

This got Jake to look up. Well, he was trying to look at Amy, but there were pretty much already tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. “What?!” he said when he finally caught his breath. “ _You_ are the junkie, and _I’m_ the boring nerd? Oh, Amy. ‘Fresh powder?’ I don’t know if you can handle this.”

“Can too,” she said defensively. “Look, it has to be that way for my plan to work. I wanted your help since you don’t seem too busy, but if you’re not up to the challenge…”

“Oh, I’m up to it alright.” He finished his burrito in way too few bites and grabbed his jacket. “Let’s go, then, Santiago.”

The loophole was back and wide open for business - title of your sex tape.

Jake and Amy hopped out of a cab back at the precinct five hours later. Amy made sure to covertly balance somewhere between one and two drinks the whole time so that she would be at her best drunkenness level for the job, and Jake also had just two beers but pretended to be wasted “so Dave will think I’m a lightweight.” As hilarious as it was for Amy to watch him act drunk, Jake got a huge kick out of seeing her pretend to be a total cokehead. In character, Jake exaggerated his blushy reactions every time Amy, in character, would do things he wouldn’t have even expected from her if she was on four drinks. By the end, Jake was as excited as Amy when Wischman finally dropped the ball and revealed his buddy’s location, and he felt a thousand times better than that morning.

“Thank you for doing this, Amy. Taking me on this case with you, that is.”

“No, thank _you_ ,” she clarified. She was relieved that her plan to cheer him up worked, but she didn’t want to look like she was pitying him. “You protected me from Wischman, who, as I predicted, was a creep.”

“Ah, well, you’re welcome. Loophole-five?” he prompted, already forming his hands into a circle.

“Never.”

***

From then on, whenever Amy was working a case alone, she would think of any excuse she could to get Jake to come. Somehow, the boyfriend angle was worked in more often than not. Then Jake started asking her for help on his cases, too. Like clockwork, they would come in to work, nod at each other and say “Detective,” then every couple of days they would go out under new names: Rachel and Alan, Bianca and Greg, Lainey and Rob, it didn’t matter, though Amy did reject some of the more conspicuous ones like “Jada and Will.” Jake would laugh with her, hold her hand, put his arm around her shoulder, just _be_ with her, and Amy would offer girly kisses on the cheek or hugs around the waist in return. Despite their increasingly ridiculous excuses for their covers, Jake and Amy had busted almost a dozen perps while using their loophole, playing a different type of couple each time.

At first, it was really nice. Jake had extra work to be distracted with, and he didn’t feel as isolated. But slowly, he started to realize, he was still alone. Maybe _Carl_ got to be with _Hannah_ , but that was their cover story, their lie, part of their job. All of their contact was superficial. There were still times when he loved it, just pretending to be with Amy could make him happy for a moment, but then he got conflicted again. Should it feel real, or not? Did it feel real to Amy? Did she want it to feel real to him? It was like the one case he couldn’t crack. In the meantime, he said nothing, because Amy seemed to think it was all a good idea, and he aimed to please her at all costs. Jake wobbled on that fine line between trying to follow Amy’s no-dating-cops rule and trying to follow her through the loophole she created in it. All this trouble certainly wasn’t helping him get over Amy, but he just didn’t know what to think about what was going on inside her head.

The bullpen didn’t know how to react to this new arrangement, either. Case after case they watched as Peralta and Santiago drifted closer and closer, then jerked apart when they realized what was happening, then drifted again.

“This is crazy,” Terry finally said one afternoon in the break room. “Diaz, Boyle, what they’re doing is crazy, right?”

“Yes, obviously,” Rosa retorted. “But Jeans and I have been monitoring the situation, and we think the best thing to do is just let it play out.”

“Jeans?” Terry asked.

“That’s Gina.” Rosa’s cheeks burned as she realized she let that pet name slip.

“Well, well, we-”

“Hey!” she stopped the sarge before his mind got too carried away. “This isn’t about me, remember, it’s about Peralta and Santiago.”

“Right,” Charles added, “and I agree with Rosa, not only because she’s been intimidating me into doing so. Let’s see where it goes with them.”

“I would, but Terry’s been ‘letting us see where it goes’ for weeks now, and it seems like things are only gonna get weirder and or worse if we don’t do something. I’m tired of Jake telling me they’re doing everything ‘for the case.’ Pretty soon they’re gonna be sleeping together ‘for the case,’ and I can’t even fathom how much paperwork that’ll be.” Terry shuddered at the thought.

“Fine,” Rosa admitted. “Get everyone at Shaw’s tonight, and we’ll talk to them. Gina, too, and Holt, she’s definitely been filling him in on all the Nine-Nine gossip I passed on to her. No Dozerman anywhere near that place, though. Actually, no Hitchcock or Scully either. Terry, if you just mention _Wing Sluts_ around them, they’ll be out of our hair, guaranteed.”

“Ok, sounds like a plan,” Terry said. “Boyle, Jake will most likely go for a drink if you ask him. Rosa, you get Amy there. See you guys tonight.”

Charles slinked into the copy room about five minutes later. “Hey Jakey, want to get a drink after work?”

“Um, no thanks, not tonight,” Jake muttered. He was tense after his last case with Amy where they were _this close_ to making out, again, and he didn’t want to know how he would act on all that tension if he got inebriated.

“Are you sure?” Charles pressed. “You look like you could use a drink. I’ll pay!”

“Thanks, Charles, but maybe some other time, ok?”

“No pressure, Jake. I just wanna hang out, talk, not do anything dramatic like have an intervention with the whole squa- damn it!” That one was never good at keeping a secret.

“What?” Jake was taken aback. “Seriously, Boyle? You think I need an intervention, I don’t! I have my life totally under control in all aspects, especially those concerning Santiago,” he asserted.

“Well that’s interesting, because I didn’t say what the intervention was about, but your mind went straight to Amy, didn’t it?” Boyle said, his insinuating voice skyrocketing. “Look, buddy, we’re worried about you. Both of you. Please just come to Shaw’s later, okay?”

“Ugh, Boyle!” Jake grumbled, striding out of the room with his fists balled.

“I’ll take that as a maybe!” Charles said cheerfully.

***

Jake sat back at his desk, his eyes boring holes into the floor. What the hell. Back at the academy, he never could’ve predicted that his life as a cop could come to this, all the other cops planning a talk with him about his feelings. He couldn’t stay in the bullpen, knowing all his friends were probably watching him in anticipation, so he made a beeline for the evidence lockup. Pacing back and forth between the old files, bags of cocaine, and knockoff handbags, he didn’t even hear the door open after him.

“Jake,” Amy breathed, catching him off guard.

“Oh, Amy, hi,” he said offhandedly. Great, in the middle of his freak-out, now Amy was here.

“I saw you come in here, and you looked kind of upset, so I just wanted to know if you were okay.” She gave a sympathetic smile.

“Yeah I’m fine. When am I not fine?” Uh, maybe, right in that exact moment.

Jake tried to avoid eye contact, but Amy turned him around and faced him with a look of concern. His thoughts were a tangled mess, and her hand on his wrist was only making his heart beat faster, minimizing his ability to detangle.

“Jake,” she implored.

“Okay, you wanna know how I am? Well, might as well think out loud. Everything could go to shit in a matter of hours, anyway, so there’s no point in clamming up now.” He shook his hand out of her grip and began pacing again. “So Terry, and Boyle, and everyone are all sick of seeing ‘this,’” he pointed back and forth between the two of them, “whatever ‘this’ is, and now they want to have an intervention about it, and they’re gonna bring you and me down there and say God knows what, and I’m not ready for that because I don’t want whatever ‘this’ is to start or end just because the squad told us to, I wanted it to be on our own terms, but I don’t think ‘our own terms’ even exist!” His hands were flying through different gestures, desperately trying to keep up with his rising voice. “Because here I was, trying to move on from ‘this,’ per your request, but then you decided we _should_ have a ‘this’ and simultaneously _not_ have a ‘this,’ and I decided I agreed, but now I don’t even know if we’re still supposed to be moving on or what, and ‘this’ is all really confusing and stressful and I was just-” Jake cut his rant off, out of breath and out of ideas for how to continue.

So that’s why Rosa asked her for drinks, Amy thought. Wait, more confusing stuff to focus on. “Jake, what are you saying?”

Jake was trying to regain his composure, but words were again spilling out of his mouth faster than his brain could keep up with.

“I’m saying I like you. I mean, you knew that, ‘cause I told you before, a couple times, and also you’re a detective, so I’m sure you realized on your own. I like you a lot. I have for a while, like way longer than would be normal for an office crush, and I kept thinking I was over it, ‘she’s just a girl, Jake, you’ve seen plenty of those, move on,’ but then it would come back. And I might have my insecurities, but I’m also a detective and pretty sure you still like me, too. And I’m not one for that cliche ‘oh no, what if I ruin the friendship’ stuff, I mean, maybe I was before, but I went and was up front with you and said I wanted to ask you out. But you told me you didn’t want to date cops anymore, and regardless of anything, I respect you and your wishes. So ever since Augustine I’ve been forcing myself to get over it, you, because that’s what you want, but is that even true?” Jake spun on Amy accusatorily, but kept going with no pause for her answer. “No dating cops, but what do you call what we’ve been doing since then? I don’t know. But I know I’m done with it. I’m not waiting for Terry to chew me out. I made my peace with your rule, but if you want to keep it, then no more loopholes, starting now. I don’t know what I need to do to stop screwing this up, I guess I just have to transfer to another precinct, ‘cause working with you just reminds me why I want to be more than coworkers, which makes it pretty hard to move on or even just follow the rule. I can’t do it anymore, it’s too much. So, yeah, see you around, I guess.” Jake huffed and headed to the door, massaging his temples.

Amy was just staring at the spot where he had been standing, mouth agape. _“Trying to catch flies?”_ she thought reflexively, and snapped it closed. Was her mind seriously occupied by her grandmother’s patented admonishment right now?

Before Jake could grip the door’s handle, she returned to reality. “Wait!” she blurted.

“Look, I’m sorry Amy, but you can’t change my mind unless -”

“Unless I don’t want to keep the rule,” she finished.

This got him to pause. He pulled his hand back from the door and turned to face her. Even with her George Washington ponytail and bland pantsuit, even in this dusty, dimly lit room full of murder weapons, she was beautiful. If this was his last look at her, he wasn’t complaining.

“What do you mean? I told you, no more loopholes for me.”

“Not a loophole,” she shook her head.

“Listen, I’m not trying to convince you. You’re an amazing cop and I know you’re gonna be the freakin’ commissioner of the NYPD one day, and even a complete mess of a human being like me couldn’t change that, but I don’t-”

Amy’s breath caught in her throat. “You think I’ll be commissioner?”

“Duh, Santiago. You’ll be captain by the time you’re, what, forty? No way in hell is Amy Santiago going to dick around at the same position for the next sixty years - of course you’ll work yourself to the grave. I guarantee you commissioner by fifty. Then, you’ll get bored again, but honestly, they’d probably make you empress of the world if you asked.” Jake had that look in his eyes again, the wanting, hopeful, desperate look, but this time, he wasn’t backing down. “And I’m not just saying that. Like I said, I’m not trying to convince you of anything, it’s just the truth. And you’re worried that us being together will hinder your career, and I might not agree, but you’re right that there’s a chance it could, and I don’t want you to risk that chance on me.” He averted his eyes to the floor, but thought better of it and kept them trained on her face so she could see he was serious.

“There is a chance,” Amy started, approaching Jake, rushing to comprehend everything he’d just thrown at her and struggling to keep her thoughts in order, “but I also said I didn’t want to date other cops because I wanted to be professional, and because I didn’t want things to be weird. I think we both know that the last few weeks have been super weird and super unprofessional.”

She gave him a pointed look, and he nodded absently as she tried to pull him back into the room.

“You’re right,” Amy continued, “the loophole was a bad idea. But the real bad idea was the rule to begin with. I made up all those rationalizations because I was scared. Because, yeah, things could get messed up, but we have already messed things up a whole lot already. And yeah, I knew you liked me, and I _did_ like you, I _do_ , but I thought it would be safer, easier for us to move on from each other. But it wasn’t easy, and I thought the loophole would help, but it just made it worse, and just now I realized that maybe the easiest thing to do would be to stop fighting it. Why fight the rule, why fight our feelings? We don’t have to do that anymore.” Amy took a deep breath and looked at Jake expectantly.

He tilted his head quizzically. “So, wait, you’re saying you’re done with the rule?” he asked, tying down his hopes.

“Yes. I’m done. I’m not scared anymore. Screw the rule. Sometimes, they _are_ meant to be broken.”

Jake looked at her like she’d just told him the secret to the universe. “Screw the rule, huh?” His lips started pulling up at the corners. “And, so, just to reiterate, because it got lost in your big speech, you still like me?”

She smiled. “Yes.”

“And I still like you, duh, so does that mean… we’re gonna start doing this thing, dating, for real?”

“For realz, with a ‘z,’” she corrected, grinning.

“Amy Santiago, that is the sexiest thing you have ever said to me,” Jake grinned back, showcasing basically every tooth in his entire mouth.

Jake took her wrists and stepped closer to her. She was still smiling, and he was just watching her lips, acutely aware of her breathing and his breathing, slowing back to their normal rates after their respective lengthy rambles, and how they were breathing the same air. He leaned closer to her face before pulling back and staring into her eyes. Amy furrowed her brow.

“Is this okay?” he whispered.

Amy’s nerves of worry were instantly replaced with nerves of anticipation. The hair on the back of her neck was standing up. “Yes,” she whispered back, and leaned in to him.

They kissed. It was soft and innocent, but most of all it was slow, not like the emergency mouth-to-mouth operations from months ago. Those kisses that Jake thought could not be topped were immediately blown out of the water. They were just there, kissing, without any excuses or explanations. They were kissing each other solely because they wanted to do so, and everything was out in the open.

Amy felt the closeness. Her arms were over Jake’s neck and his were wrapped around her back; he was pulling her in like he needed her, like he couldn’t stand the thought of anything getting between the two of them, even air. Oh yeah, air.

She pulled back slightly to breathe and rested her forehead against his. They finally opened their eyes to see each other smiling like idiots.

“Almost lost you there, Santiago,” Jake chuckled.

“You didn’t lose me, I’m right here,” Amy responded. “Wanna keep going?”

He held up his wrist to look at an imaginary watch before placing his arm back around her. “I’ve got time,” he joked.

Jake tilted his head, getting back into position. Was he feeling his heart racing, or was that hers? Didn’t matter. They started inching towards passionate, hands in each other’s hair, and, to use Charles’ favorite term, “Frenching.”

Loving every second, Amy was about to suggest they turn things up a notch more, when-

“Attention, you have been in the Evidence Lockup for Five Minutes. Get back to work!” a Dozer-pad shouted.

Jake and Amy broke apart and swiveled their heads to the Dozer-pad, then back to each other. Then, they both burst out laughing. They held each other and laughed and laughed until they couldn’t stand, so they sat on the floor doing that seal-laugh you do when you’re so out of breath that your laughs no longer form sounds. Yeah, the Dozer-pad thing really wasn’t that funny, but after releasing all the mountains of tension they’d held in for months, it had them in stitches.

Was Jake’s breakdown really just five minutes ago? He couldn’t believe it. His life had seemed like a pile of garbage then, but now he was over the Moon with joy.

They both sighed, now that they could breathe again, and he saw her eyes sparkling with tears of laughter. He used his thumb to wipe them off her face, then he pushed back her flyaways and tilted her chin upwards.

“You fool!” he ribbed. “I gave you all my germs, so now no take-backs!”

“No take-backs,” she agreed. “No more messing around, we’re doing this.”

“Oh, I can assure you, there will be plenty of both ‘messing around’ and ‘doing this’ from this point forward,” Jake said, raising his eyebrows.

Amy slapped him on the arm.

“Ooh, there’s our sneak preview,” he quipped.

“Jake, I will give you back your germs,” she threatened.

“Nooo, okay I’m sorry.” He backed down and looked at her with his world-famous doe eyes.

“Fine, I accept your apology,” Amy decided. “So, do we still have to go to Shaw’s now?” she laughed.

“No, but we’re going to. We officially got together all on our own, so I am going to first trick them and then rub it in their face.” Jake smiled and rubbed his hands together wickedly.

Then, he grabbed her hand. “Let’s go,” he said, pulling her up. They ran out of the evidence lockup and out of the precinct, giggling like kids.

***

At approximately 1900 hours, Detectives Santiago and Peralta walked into Shaw’s bar with their hands intertwined. They headed over to the area where they saw the squad. Jake and Amy were shocked to see Gina and Holt - they thought it would just be Terry, Charles, and Rosa - but they made an effort to show no reaction on their faces. They sat down on the barstools, still holding hands, and looked around at their friends pleasantly.

“Why hello, Boyle, and all of my other friends that I certainly had no idea would be in attendance tonight,” Jake announced.

“Why hello, Diaz, and all of my other friends that I certainly had no idea would be in attendance tonight,” Amy mirrored.

“What the hell, Boyle, you told them?” Terry accused. “Wait, what the hell, Jake!” he exclaimed at the sight of the detectives’ linked hands. “I assume you know why we called you here, and it’s for this exact reason. Y’all have got to stop. What’s your excuse this time? What case are you working now?!”

“Oh, wise Terry, you’re right. We are on a case. As I have told you all many times, there is nothing going on between Detective Santiago and I, because our families have an ancient blood feud and I therefore hate her, and she me. But, when duty calls, we must be grown-ups and pretend to be smooshing booties, for the sake of the city!”

“You just said ‘grown-ups’ and ‘smooshing booties’ in the same sentence, Peralta,” Holt’s monotone voice pointed out.

“Heyyy, Captain!” Jake said with glee that was barely exaggerated. “Long time no see, huh? We missed you, big guy. And thank you for reiterating my excellent point.”

“Guys come on, listen to Peralta, our relationship is strictly professional.” Amy said seriously.

“Exactly, Santiago,” Jake lilted, stroking his chin thoughtfully. Terry looked like he was about to blow a fuse, so Jake knew it was time for the capper. “Look, we’ll prove it,” he began, enacting phase three of their plan. “Would two people with romantic feelings for each other do this?”

Jake and Amy turned to each other and began the most disgusting make-out session in history. Like, some unholy combination of thirteen-year-old having their first kiss during seven minutes in heaven mixed with weird horny pornstar kissing make-out. Their tongues were anywhere but either of their mouths, Jake’s hands were making a huge knot out of Amy’s hair, and Amy’s hands were thrusting Jake’s hips against her while she wrapped a leg around him.

“Oh my god!” Terry yelled, not sure if he should break them apart or get the hell away from them.

Holt looked away. Even Boyle was grossed out. But Rosa and Gina were just sitting together, snickering.

Once Jake and Amy were satisfied with the reactions they achieved, they looked back at the squad, grinning.

"Well? Does that look like something two people with romantic feelings for each other would do?” Jake asked innocently, lipstick smeared across his… everywhere.

“Yes!” Terry shouted. “Two _crazy_ people with- oh. I get it. You were messing with us.”

“Right you are, Sergeant!” Jake nodded with approval. “This was all part of my elaborate scheme, that has been in the works since the day we first met, many, many Moons ago!”

“Jake,” Amy prodded.

“Fine, it’s part of our elaborate scheme that we came up with two hours ago. But yes, you simpletons, there _is_ something romantic-stylez happening between us, and we were able to admit that to each other many, many Moons ago-”

“Jake-”

“We were able to admit that to each other two hours ago. But! We did it all on our own, without any of your silly ‘intervention!’”

“Oh, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob.” This time it was Gina’s voice. “Are you truly still so naive?” She put an arm each around Jake and Amy. “You children had no say in any of this, it was all Mother Regina from the start.”

“Ahem,” Rosa nudged her.

“Okay, Rosa helped, but only because I couldn’t be at the Nine-Nine doing it myself.”

“What are you talking about?” Amy asked. “I’ll admit, we went a little crazy there with the fake dating cases, but Jake is right. We both talked to each other and decided that we wanted to quit it and actually date. You guys weren’t involved at all!”

“Oh, but weren’t we!” Gina exclaimed. “Rosa and I have been executing our impeccable plan to get you two dorks to bone since many, many Moons ago.”

“Jeans-” Now that the nickname was out, Diaz wasn’t afraid to use it.

“Fine, since March third!”

“What was March third?” Amy tried to remember.

“Nothing in particular,” Gina mused. “The squad was out for drinks right at this very spot. Eventually, people started going home, until it was just Amy, Jake, Rosa, and myself left. Amy was on four drinks and acting like the disgusting perv she is.”

“That’s when I had an idea,” Rosa chimed in, “for a little science experiment. We all knew Jake still liked Amy, because he for some unfathomable reason is an open book. I had already tried having him move on, which evidently didn’t work, so I was on to a new plan, but I had to be sure of Amy’s feelings first.”

“So, when Jake went to the bathroom,” Gina continued, “we ordered Amy another shot. After she drank it, we got rid of the glass and hid on the other side of the bar so we could observe."

“Wait, I think I remember this night…” Jake interrupted.

“I don’t,” Amy added.

Rosa snorted. “Of course you don’t, you were super drunk.”

“On five drinks,” Jake said slowly, starting to piece it together. “But I thought you only had four.”

“Exactly, Watson!” Gina cheered. “And you had no reason to suspect otherwise, because she was acting-”

“-Just like four drink Amy,” Amy finished. “Oh, damn, Gina!”

“Wait, I still don’t get it,” Terry butted in.

Jake explained. “Four drink Amy is horny Amy, who is super forward and sexual, and five drink Amy is confident Amy, who says exactly what she’s thinking.”

“Oh damn!” Terry made the connection.

“So, confident Amy was flirting with me for the rest of the night.” Jake smacked his forehead. “And I brushed it off, because I thought she was just being horny Amy, but she wasn’t.”

“I was acting on my real feelings then,” Amy recalled.

“Yup,” said Rosa. “Which is how Gina and I knew you did still like him. Which meant we could go forward with the new plan and get you guys together!”

“So if you knew this, way back then, why didn’t you just tell us?” Jake asked.

“Because we knew that you would be mad that we manipulated you like evil geniuses,” Rosa laughed.

“So, what, you were the reason we fake dated and had a terrible time these past few months?” Amy crossed her arms.

Gina gasped and put her hand to her chest in the picture of feigned offense. “Of course not! You guys started the fake dating thing first, we decided to let it fester so you’d see how awful of an idea it was.” She smiled despite herself. “Unfortunately, you dum-dums didn’t take the hint, so we had to plant the idea for this intervention, knowing that Charles wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret, and knowing that it would force you guys to get it together and hash out your real feelings before you even got here.”

“And you don’t think that we’re mad that you manipulated us for way longer than just that one night?” Amy jabbed.

“No, you’re not,” Gina said, “because we just blew your dang minds, and because the final stage of my plan was getting you guys a gift card for a super fancy restaurant where you have a reservation in an hour!” She batted her eyes sweetly.

“Woah, thanks,” Jake marveled. “See, Ames, we can’t be mad at them. They’re masterminds!”

“That is truly quite impressive,” Holt said. “Now, I expect that all of these shenanigans will be put behind us when I return to the Nine-Nine on Monday?”

“Of course, Captain- I mean- what? Return? What?” Jake stammered.

“Well, I didn’t want to overshadow your moment, but yes, I am coming back.” He folded his hands.

“How?” Boyle asked.

“Apparently, Captain Dozerman did not inform his wife of his medical emergency or newfound health condition. I had Gina take the liberty of telling her the other afternoon, and I believe that she must have had it out with him, and they came to the conclusion that police work was already dangerous enough, and the additional stress is no good for him with his risk, so he is going to transfer to a more low-key position. When I requested to be reinstated, Wuntch could not present a single good reason why I shouldn’t be, so I was approved.”

“Again, I saved the precinct, and possibly the world,” Gina concluded. “God, it’s exhausting how I’m better at everything than everyone else.”

“Oh my god, you’re back!” Amy exclaimed in disbelief.

“We really missed you guys,” Jake said, trying to stop his smile from splitting his face in half.

“Nine-Nine!” Terry called.

“Nine-Nine!” everyone chanted back.

“Now, onto the pressing business,” said Gina. “Amy, you seriously can’t be wearing that outfit to a date, or ever, really. And Jake, you look fine, but come on, dress up for your woman.”

“Right.” Jake gave a curt nod. “We’ll go change. Honestly, Rosa, Gina, I kinda hate how you did it, but thank you for pushing me and Amy together, finally. I love you guys.”

“Of course you do, ‘cause I’m literally the best! Now, get out of here you crazy kids!” Gina thrust the gift card into their hands and started pushing them towards the door.

“Thanks, Gina,” Jake called. “Hey Rosa, I didn’t know ‘Jeans’ could turn you into such an emotions-invested softie! Follow-up questions later, ‘kay?”

“No,” Rosa responded, but Jake and Amy were already out of earshot.

Gina smirked as she turned to Rosa. “Wow, we really are incredible, aren’t we babe?”

“Yeah, we are.” Rosa smiled at her. “Now,” she said to everyone left of the group, “let’s get drunk!”

***

Jake and Amy clinked their wine glasses together, seated at a table in a restaurant that Jake knew he couldn’t pronounce the name of.

“We really must be idiots, huh,” he said. “Rosa and Gina totally orchestrated this.”

“Only to an extent,” Amy replied. “I think, eventually, this would’ve happened somehow. I was hung up on you pretty much just as long as you were hung up on me,” she admitted.

Jake blushed lightly. “Eh, well, better late than later.”

Amy ran her finger along the edge of her glass. “But, if we are idiots, then you’re probably the cutest idiot I’ve ever met.”

“Thank you, and likewise.” Jake’s cheeks hurt from how much he had been smiling today. “Man, my mouth is gonna get so swole,” he thought. Wait, did he say it out loud?

“Title of your sextape!” Amy said at a volume that made the fancy restaurant goers' heads turn.

“Crap!” she whispered.

The two of them ducked their heads, cracking up as quietly as possible. “Haven’t you embarrassed yourself enough today, Santiago?” Jake teased.

“Maybe,” she giggled. “You’re the one that just said ‘my mouth is gonna get so swole.’”

“Yeah, I didn’t mean to do that out loud,” he shook his head. “I was only thinking about how much more I’m gonna be smiling now. I just feel so lucky.”

“Aw, that’s actually sweet,” Amy said.

“‘Aw, that’s actually sweet,’ title of your sex tape, ha! Wait, is that actually disgusting?”

“‘Wait, is that actually disgusting?’ title of _your_ sex tape!”

“Okay, it seems like we’re going to get stuck in an infinite loop. There’s only one way to resolve this.” Jake shrugged his shoulders.

Amy was confused until she saw Jake’s eyebrows bounce up and down an inane amount of times. “Do you really think it’s a good idea, so soon?” she wondered, although the question was mainly a formality. She’d been hoping Jake would suggest smooshing booties eventually, it was the only logical next step.

“Ames, we have to, for the sake of the space-time continuum, it’s our sacred duty.” Jake looked at her intensely.

“Well, if it’s our sacred duty,” she postured.

“Great. I hope this doesn’t mislead you, because I am madly excited about saving space and time with you, but we’re eating all of this food for free and it’s super good, so may we please get some dessert first?”

“I thought you would never ask!” Amy laughed.

The taste of tiramisu still fresh in their mouths, they stumbled up to Amy’s apartment. While their inebriation wasn’t enough to cause the stumbling itself, it was enough to make them forget that they couldn’t be all over each other and walk properly at the same time.

Amy locked the door behind them, then refocused all her attention on Jake.

“Just to clarify, Ames, saving the space-time continuum is code for sex.”

“I know,” she scoffed.

“I know you know,” he said honestly, “I just want to be sure we are one hundred percent on the same page.”

It was kind of sad how she felt like thanking him, for granting her the basic decency of consent. He probably did deserve a thank you for all the times he made sure she, or any other woman he knew, was comfortable with any given situation, but Amy didn’t think this was the time to start on a tirade about dismantling the patriarchy with him. This was the time for saving the space-time continuum, a much more urgent quest.

Amy grinned at Jake mischievously. “We are,” pause to punctuate with a kiss, “so long as you can keep up!”

“Good point,” he managed to squeeze in as she was kissing all up and down his neck. “You are a pretty fast reader.”

As he’d hoped, Amy stopped briefly to chuckle at his wordplay, giving him the opportunity to swoop in and get the upper hand. Literally, he thought, as he grabbed her wrists and pinned her arms to the wall above her head.

He started kissing her, all down one arm, lips, all down the other arm, lips, jaw, lips, neck, lips, collarbone, lips. Jake alternated between kisses that were barely there and ones that were sure to leave a mark. Soft ones, rough ones, tongue ones, biting ones. He wanted Amy to see every different way he could kiss her so she could have her pick. Fortunately, she seemed to like them all, but after a while she started to get restless.

“So is this all we’re gonna do, or would you like to proceed to my bedroom?” Amy asked smartly.

“Oh, right. Yes, please!” Jake had been so preoccupied with kissing that he’d forgotten how many other skills he had in his arsenal that he could finally show off to some worthy competition. “Lead the way, m’lady.”

When Amy dragged him into her room by his collar, he already knew he was about to have the best time of his life. Jake may have been one to kiss and tell, but the rest of that evening he wanted to keep just for themselves.

***

The night that felt like a dream melted into one. Jake woke up the next morning in a bed that decidedly did not have a _Die Hard_ poster hanging above it. He flipped around to see Amy starting to get up, too.

For a second, his eyes bulged. “Ames,” he whispered.

She jumped at his voice. “Jake?”

“Woah, woah, woah. So, yesterday actually happened? Like, all of it?” he asked, his eyes becoming bleary again.

“Uh, yeah,” Amy replied, shaking off her sleep. “You’re _here_ , aren’t you?”

“I guess,” he acknowledged. “Sorry, it’s just, it was such a weird day. First I thought it was too crap to be true, then all of a sudden it was too good to be true.” Jake smiled bashfully.

Amy returned the look. “I know what you mean, it seemed kind of unreal. But yes, all of yesterday happened.”

“Perfect.” Jake looked strangely relieved. “So the space-time continuum is saved?”

“Yup.”

“Thank you for your service, Detective Santiago.”

“Thank you for your service, Detective Peralta.”

They saluted each other and shook hands. Jake scooched closer to Amy.

“We’re like, really good at saving the space-time continuum together,” she remarked.

“Title of our sex tape!” Jake yelled, then grabbed his head. “Oww. Hangover.”

Amy gave a sympathetic look and rested a hand on top of his.

Jake continued in a hushed tone. “See, now that we have ‘consummated our relationship,’” he ignored her mildly disgusted look at that turn of phrase, “every new sex tape joke belongs to both of us, so we can’t get into an unending battle over who has the better one.”

“Smort,” Amy said thoughtfully.

“I know! And you are definitely right. From now on, any time the space-time continuum is in danger, I’m coming straight to you!”

“Good,” she said and gave him a light peck. They’d really come a long way since smooch-gate. “I’m very happy to hear that.”

“Yeah, I’m really happy too,” Jake murmured into her ear.

He sat up. “Now, we need breakfast, and you’re a terrible cook so I cannot entrust you with this task. Where do you keep your frying pan?”

“In the cabinet next to the fridge,” Amy mumbled. “No, come back,” she groaned, pulling on his arm.

Jake brushed some hair out of her face and kissed her on the forehead. “I’ll be right here,” he said. “I’m always right here.”

He walked off to the kitchen, and soon Amy heard the sounds of eggs being fried. She smiled to herself. Maybe two years ago, them hooking up wouldn’t have amounted to more than a problematic fling, but things were different now. They were still the same people, but they’d also slowly but surely rubbed off on each other. He was more caring, responsible, vulnerable, and she’d grown to be more confident, fun, and flexible. It was funny, kind of like those chocolate covered potato chips Jake was always eating, Amy thought. She would’ve never expected the two to go together, but somehow they brought out the best in each other. Now, things seemed like they could go somewhere, and Amy was excited for the journey.

Jake returned to give her a piece of toast with an egg somehow contorted into a smiley face. “Breakfast in bed, sleepyhead,” he rhymed, passing her the plate.

Yeah, Amy had a good feeling about this.

**Author's Note:**

> I know _everyone_ in this fandom has seen or done a canon-divergent "fake dating" Peraltiago a million times over, so I apologize for this.
> 
> The idea has been milling around in my head ever since I saw Johnny and Dora when I finally watched/binged B99 a few months ago. I imagined it more as like a montage that better fit the TV medium, like Terry would be like, "your new 'tactics' are getting out of hand" and they'd be like "wdym?" cut to five different scenes of Jake and Amy undercover, pretending to be some kind of couple, and eventually catching the bad guy, as their fake dating escalated from hand holding to full-on making out/completely ignoring the perp they're supposed to be after. Then there'd be an intervention where Terry says they have to figure things out asap, finally Jake and Amy spill their feelings and start dating for real.
> 
> Unfortunately, I am not skilled in making a montage work in writing. I wanted to, but it would've been way too repetitive and boring. So the end result is pretty different than what was in my head at first, but it still works!
> 
> An idea came to me where they would be _so_ caught up with each other that they'd screw up a case and get in trouble, and I thought about writing it, but I think no matter how in love those idiots are, they're seriously good cops and they wouldn't mess up like that (The Mattress is an exception). Plus, it would've been upsetting to write/read, so I didn't.
> 
> I was also gonna do chapters because it's really too long to all be in one, but I thought the chapters would be too short if I broke it up, so here you go.
> 
> This wasn't intentional, but I'm pretty sure "no more messing around" was lifted off of one of Rachel's lines in Friends when she gets back together with Ross in the finale? And the "Well, if it's our sacred duty" definitely mirrors Monica and Chandler with "I'm still on London time, does that count?" "Oh, it counts!" and "We owe it to sex" "Well, if we owe it!" I've always thought that Peraltiago and Mondler have so many similarities and obviously I ship them both so I guess that kind of dynamic just slipped in.
> 
> This is the first fic I've ever done, so I hope you enjoy! Let me know how it is!
> 
> I'm currently working on an AU fic where Jake and Amy are in The Good Place, but I'm struggling to make it hold up to my idea in terms of being interesting and in character. As far as I can tell, it will be a good bit longer than this and definitely split up into chapters, and I think I will start posting as soon as I make some more headway and edits.
> 
> Sorry for making this note so long but yeah hope y'all liked this! Send those kudos and comments my way! Constructive criticism welcome as well, I would love to improve!


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